Well, the Republicans just keep getting their way, and there seems to be no end in sight. So, instead of continuing to bang my head against the wall and damn the American people for buying into this shit, I decided that I will join in on the fun. In keeping with the holiday spirit of saving money, cutting deficits, and giving stuff to people who don’t need it, I’m offering 10 Republican strategies that you can implement in your daily lives:
1. When grading papers, only write comments on the best students’ papers. For your weaker students, just write a note on the back that says, “If I gave you constructive feedback, I would only be enabling your weak writing.”
2. When out to dinner, don’t tip your wait staff. Instead, ask if you can have the direct mailing address of the restaurant owner and send him/her a hefty check. Inform the staff that you’re positive that money will trickle down to them eventually.
3. When determining how best to tighten your household’s financial belt, start by firing your children and/or pets. They can’t vote, and they don’t contribute to the economic viability of the household anyway.
4. When trying to influence people, practice tactful negotiation. For example, if you want your neighbor to maintain his yard a bit better, you should first leave an advertisement for a landscaping company in his mailbox. But, if that doesn’t work, feel free to replace the ad with a box of matches, lighter fluid, and a note that says, “Mow your lawn…I’m not fucking kidding.”
5. When cutting back on red tape and bureaucracy, start by limiting the role of family. These people have spent way too much time and money interfering in your life, buying you stuff that you need, and providing you with rules and structure that have helped you survive. If you cut your family members by about 30%, you will reduce wasteful spending and the potential for Socialism.
6. When arguing with your spouse, don’t waste time with logical, reasoned arguments. Simply demand to see his birth certificate. If he wasn’t born here, then, naturally, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If he was born here, try to make it look like he wasn’t.
7. When you really need or want something, make sure to first argue against it and then complain that you don’t have it. Remember when you told your husband that you didn’t want any Christmas presents this year because you thought that the money should be spent on more worthwhile things? Well, when he actually abides by your ruling, shame him relentlessly for not getting you anything to celebrate the holidays.
8. When talking to your friends, try to be as circular with your language as you possibly can. For example, if your friends ask what time the party starts, answer them by saying that the party will start once we can get the party up and running.
9. When you want people to take you seriously, try scaring the living shit out of them. This might work best in office meetings. Your co-workers don’t like the new textbooks that you’ve selected for the department? Just tell them that the 9/11 hijackers were reading the old textbooks right before they boarded the planes that brought down the Twin Towers.
10. When all else fails, lie.